Dear Blog,
I thought I was ready to start dating again, but I'm rethinking that position...
I've gotten to the point where I'm no longer angry about my breakup with X. Okay - maybe I still get a little angry, but hey - it was an ugly break up. Anyhoo - I've gotten to the point where I'm a lot less angry when I think about X and I was feeling that the time was right again to start dating.
But the problem is that I hate dating in general. It's awful. It's like this constant rotation of job interviews that include dinner and making out. "What do you do for work? Siblings? Where did you grow up? How long have you lived in Boston? What do you like to do in your free time? Favorite TV shows? Movies? Music? Any pets?" Blah blah blah. It's terrible. You find a guy that you think you might be a good match with - who you like and who you think likes you - only to find out that you were completely off base. He has little to no interest and actually thinks he's out of your league. Or you find a guy who's okay, but whose league you think you're out of. Do you settle for less and always keep a lookout for something better? Do you keep looking for the perfect fit? Do you continue going after guys who seem to be out of your league because you've deluded yourself into thinking that you're actually playing in the same league? It is time consuming, energy consuming, and money consuming. But despite my general disdain for dating, I thought I was ready to get back in the game.
So... I met someone... I like him. We met in a sort of odd way. He's my massage therapist. I've always had a crush on him because he's super hot. We ran into each other on MH a while ago. After my last massage appointment we chatted and decided to go out on a date. And let me tell you Blog, discussing going on a date with your fully clothed massage therapist while you're virtually naked on the massage table is a bit awkward.
I was excited. For the first time since the breakup, I was excited about the prospect of going out on a date! It's been almost a year. I've gone on a couple quasi-dates in the past year, but they were all terrible and didn't amount to anything except losing incremental bits of faith in romance and love. I was actually looking forward to it.
We had a great time. Dinner, parking at the beach and talking. Making out. I thought it went well. And I thought he had a good time as well. At least, that's what he said in his texts and emails. Soooo... We decided to go out again. But now that a week has passed since our last date, I'm starting to get a different vibe from him. It's not anything he has said... It's just a vibe.
I know I'm being stupid. Maybe I'm looking for an excuse to stop this before it really starts. Maybe I'm not really ready.
I say to myself and others that I enter dates and other situations like this with no expectations. Which is partly true. X did a number on me. Even if I don't get angry when I think about him anymore, it's still going to take some time to get wade through all the emotional garbage. I want to be cautious. I know that I need to be cautious. But I guess I'm just a romantic at heart. I want my life to be like a movie. Or a musical. Or a moderately entertaining television show. I want flowers, candle-lit dinners, romantic notes... I also want passion, surprise, intensity... I think I watch too many TV shows and movies. And my expectations are way off base.
I'm not an insecure person. But dating makes me feel very insecure. It's an unknown. It's a risk. It's a gamble. I don't like unknowns, risks, or gambling. I like being in control of a situation and planning. It's ironic, because romantic love is supposed to be new and fresh every day, right? God - now I just sound like a stupid tween out of a Nicholas Sparks novel.
Maybe what I want is the contrived movie version of romance and love. Maybe I need to grow up and understand that it doesn't exist.
I know I felt like this when X and I started dating. But then I got over it. True - we broke up and it was very very bad... But for a while - a couple years - it was good. Is this what it's like every time? Am I so far removed from dating that I forgot what it's like to start a new relationship?
I like this new guy. But I don't like not knowing... Not knowing whether he's as into me as I'm into him... Not knowing if he thinks I'm as hot as he is... I don't like the insecurity.
I have a very reasonable understanding of my value. In many ways I'm a catch. But in other ways, not so much... I have a lot of baggage. Often times I think that I should get through all my baggage and issues before I even attempt to start dating and a new relationship. But when I think about how long it would take me to get through all the crud, I realize I probably wouldn't be dating until I'm about 47. And maybe that's okay, too.
How am I supposed to know when the time is right? Oh Blog. You tease me by not offering any sage advice. Do I listen to friends who tell me that I'll just know "when the time is right"? Or do I force myself out of my comfort zone and hopefully learn and grow?
I don't know. But I feel a little better for venting.
Fondly,
Dan
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Pick Your Battles - Win the War
Dear Blog,
Last night my roommate had some friends over to watch the playoffs. Typical straight guys getting drunk, watching sports, listening to music, smoking weed, talking about gays... Yep - chatting about us homosexuals.
I was resigned to my room for the night - much like any other night - but I popped out to grab something to drink and I overheard them talking about getting hit on by gays, how they feel about them, etc. "I have no problem with them as long as they don't bother me." "I just don't get it - how can they not like boobs?" "I know a gay guy." I don't know. At first, it was amusing to listen to them stumble around the topic - trying in their own ignorant way to be politically correct and not sound like complete bigots. But it was clear that they all had homophobic issues and that they were trying to reassure themselves that they weren't as prejudiced as they truly are.
My roommate and I have an odd, awkward relationship. It's not good. He owns the condo and I rent from him. I'm living with my landlord. Because there isn't a dynamic of 2 people renting together, it makes for an uncomfortable living situation for me. I have never felt at home in the apartment. I always feel like I need to walk on eggshells because he owns the place. I spend most of my time in my room. Even though I pay rent, I rarely use the kitchen to cook...I haven't sat in the living room to watch TV in more than 6 months...
It doesn't help that my roommate seems to be inherently awkward. That's not to say I don't think he's a nice person. When I first interviewed for the apartment, I thought we were going to get along well. We have a lot of common interests: running, biking, music... But sadly it has never progressed beyond being friendly and polite in passing. I don't feel comfortable inviting friends over.
To make matters worse, my roommate has the tendency to use my stuff without asking or replacing it. Random things - milk, coffee, toothpaste, pasta, mayonnaise, coffee filters, whiskey, wine. He lets dishes pile up in the sink for days at a time knowing full well that they are almost always all his. He will go for months without buying things like toilet paper, paper towel, dish soap, and sponges. He regularly bums cigarettes from me. Here's the thing - I'm the furthest thing from a doormat. But because of the whole roommate/renter/landlord dynamic, I don't feel comfortable confronting him about any of these things. If we were both renting an apartment together, we would have had it out already. And I would have won.
I'm the sort of person who is comfortable in their own skin. It's completely alien to me to not feel at home at the place that's supposed to be my home. I'm not the type of person who holes up in their room or let's frustrations simmer to the point of exploding because I hold in my feelings and anger. I don't like being this person. Hell - there are hundreds of pictures of me on facebook drunk, wearing a bedazzled "enjoy Cock" t-shirt and tiny pink sequined cowboy hat at a drag cabaret for a bachelorette party. Subtlety and restraint are not my strong points.
Ironically, I wasn't quite sure whether my roommate was straight or gay when I first moved in. There were a lot of signs that pointed in either direction. Turns out - he's straight. He's had a lady friend stay over a couple nights this past week.
Anyways - I've set a deadline of August 1st to find and move into a new apartment.
I hate moving. It's a testament to how much I hate moving that I've stayed here for so long.
That's it for now dear Blog.
Fondly,
The Gaysian
Last night my roommate had some friends over to watch the playoffs. Typical straight guys getting drunk, watching sports, listening to music, smoking weed, talking about gays... Yep - chatting about us homosexuals.
I was resigned to my room for the night - much like any other night - but I popped out to grab something to drink and I overheard them talking about getting hit on by gays, how they feel about them, etc. "I have no problem with them as long as they don't bother me." "I just don't get it - how can they not like boobs?" "I know a gay guy." I don't know. At first, it was amusing to listen to them stumble around the topic - trying in their own ignorant way to be politically correct and not sound like complete bigots. But it was clear that they all had homophobic issues and that they were trying to reassure themselves that they weren't as prejudiced as they truly are.
My roommate and I have an odd, awkward relationship. It's not good. He owns the condo and I rent from him. I'm living with my landlord. Because there isn't a dynamic of 2 people renting together, it makes for an uncomfortable living situation for me. I have never felt at home in the apartment. I always feel like I need to walk on eggshells because he owns the place. I spend most of my time in my room. Even though I pay rent, I rarely use the kitchen to cook...I haven't sat in the living room to watch TV in more than 6 months...
It doesn't help that my roommate seems to be inherently awkward. That's not to say I don't think he's a nice person. When I first interviewed for the apartment, I thought we were going to get along well. We have a lot of common interests: running, biking, music... But sadly it has never progressed beyond being friendly and polite in passing. I don't feel comfortable inviting friends over.
To make matters worse, my roommate has the tendency to use my stuff without asking or replacing it. Random things - milk, coffee, toothpaste, pasta, mayonnaise, coffee filters, whiskey, wine. He lets dishes pile up in the sink for days at a time knowing full well that they are almost always all his. He will go for months without buying things like toilet paper, paper towel, dish soap, and sponges. He regularly bums cigarettes from me. Here's the thing - I'm the furthest thing from a doormat. But because of the whole roommate/renter/landlord dynamic, I don't feel comfortable confronting him about any of these things. If we were both renting an apartment together, we would have had it out already. And I would have won.
I'm the sort of person who is comfortable in their own skin. It's completely alien to me to not feel at home at the place that's supposed to be my home. I'm not the type of person who holes up in their room or let's frustrations simmer to the point of exploding because I hold in my feelings and anger. I don't like being this person. Hell - there are hundreds of pictures of me on facebook drunk, wearing a bedazzled "enjoy Cock" t-shirt and tiny pink sequined cowboy hat at a drag cabaret for a bachelorette party. Subtlety and restraint are not my strong points.
Ironically, I wasn't quite sure whether my roommate was straight or gay when I first moved in. There were a lot of signs that pointed in either direction. Turns out - he's straight. He's had a lady friend stay over a couple nights this past week.
Anyways - I've set a deadline of August 1st to find and move into a new apartment.
I hate moving. It's a testament to how much I hate moving that I've stayed here for so long.
That's it for now dear Blog.
Fondly,
The Gaysian
Monday, April 26, 2010
5 Fingers
Dear Blog,
I have succumbed to the hype and pressure and got myself a pair of those fancy Vibram 5 Finger shoesie whatsits. They're interesting to say the least. The first run I did in them was 2.5 miles on the treadmill at around 6.3 miles per hour. My calves were sore for DAYS afterward. The hadn't hurt that much since Casey and I were training for the Chicago Marathon in 2007.
But I stuck with it. I kept wearing them for everyday use and working out. I ran another mile in them the other day. Then today I ran 7 miles in my normal running shoes. My calves are still sore, but not nearly as bad.
It's funny the looks I get from people when they see me wearing them. They're stranger than the looks I get when I wear flip flops and people see my sometimes painted toenails. People are intrigued. And is it any wonder? I'm an intriguing person. Since I started wearing them (5 days ago) I've had someone ask me about them every day.
We'll see if my tune changes, but for the time being I think I'm going to end up liking them. It would be great if they work out. They're a lot less expensive than my running shoes, and are supposed to last a lot longer.
Sidebar - it's annoying how cost prohibitive advanced fitness can be. For instance - bicycling. Bikes are expensive. Bike maintenance is expensive. Bike gear is expensive. Running shoes are expensive. Gym memberships are expensive. I think all sporting/athletic gear should be subsidized if you can prove usage. For instance - if I can prove that I go to the gym 5 times a week and burn an average of 1500 calories per visit, I should pay a lot less for my membership than someone who goes to the gym twice a year and burns 400 calories per visit. If I buy a new pair of running shoes and log 300 miles and a marathon in them, I should get a rebate from the government for utilizing the shoes to their maximum potential. If I buy a bike and prove that I use it to commute more than 50 miles a week, I should get a tax credit for maintaining a healthy lifestyle and helping to reduce traffic and emissions.
Anyhoo - that's it on the fitness front for today.
Fondly,
Dan
I have succumbed to the hype and pressure and got myself a pair of those fancy Vibram 5 Finger shoesie whatsits. They're interesting to say the least. The first run I did in them was 2.5 miles on the treadmill at around 6.3 miles per hour. My calves were sore for DAYS afterward. The hadn't hurt that much since Casey and I were training for the Chicago Marathon in 2007.
But I stuck with it. I kept wearing them for everyday use and working out. I ran another mile in them the other day. Then today I ran 7 miles in my normal running shoes. My calves are still sore, but not nearly as bad.
It's funny the looks I get from people when they see me wearing them. They're stranger than the looks I get when I wear flip flops and people see my sometimes painted toenails. People are intrigued. And is it any wonder? I'm an intriguing person. Since I started wearing them (5 days ago) I've had someone ask me about them every day.
We'll see if my tune changes, but for the time being I think I'm going to end up liking them. It would be great if they work out. They're a lot less expensive than my running shoes, and are supposed to last a lot longer.
Sidebar - it's annoying how cost prohibitive advanced fitness can be. For instance - bicycling. Bikes are expensive. Bike maintenance is expensive. Bike gear is expensive. Running shoes are expensive. Gym memberships are expensive. I think all sporting/athletic gear should be subsidized if you can prove usage. For instance - if I can prove that I go to the gym 5 times a week and burn an average of 1500 calories per visit, I should pay a lot less for my membership than someone who goes to the gym twice a year and burns 400 calories per visit. If I buy a new pair of running shoes and log 300 miles and a marathon in them, I should get a rebate from the government for utilizing the shoes to their maximum potential. If I buy a bike and prove that I use it to commute more than 50 miles a week, I should get a tax credit for maintaining a healthy lifestyle and helping to reduce traffic and emissions.
Anyhoo - that's it on the fitness front for today.
Fondly,
Dan
Following Up
Ha. Well, I always said I have trouble following up with stuff like this. I actually completely forgot I had this blog until I thought about making one, went to blogspot, and found this old one. Last post was May - 2007. Man oh man has a lot happened since then. We'll take our time and review all in good time. This would probably be the longest. post. ever. if I just went into all the details and tried to rehash the last 3 years.
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