Dating Sucks

Dear Blog,

I thought I was ready to start dating again, but I'm rethinking that position...

I've gotten to the point where I'm no longer angry about my breakup with X. Okay - maybe I still get a little angry, but hey - it was an ugly break up. Anyhoo - I've gotten to the point where I'm a lot less angry when I think about X and I was feeling that the time was right again to start dating.

But the problem is that I hate dating in general. It's awful. It's like this constant rotation of job interviews that include dinner and making out. "What do you do for work? Siblings? Where did you grow up? How long have you lived in Boston? What do you like to do in your free time? Favorite TV shows? Movies? Music? Any pets?" Blah blah blah. It's terrible. You find a guy that you think you might be a good match with - who you like and who you think likes you - only to find out that you were completely off base. He has little to no interest and actually thinks he's out of your league. Or you find a guy who's okay, but whose league you think you're out of. Do you settle for less and always keep a lookout for something better? Do you keep looking for the perfect fit? Do you continue going after guys who seem to be out of your league because you've deluded yourself into thinking that you're actually playing in the same league? It is time consuming, energy consuming, and money consuming. But despite my general disdain for dating, I thought I was ready to get back in the game.

So... I met someone... I like him. We met in a sort of odd way. He's my massage therapist. I've always had a crush on him because he's super hot. We ran into each other on MH a while ago. After my last massage appointment we chatted and decided to go out on a date. And let me tell you Blog, discussing going on a date with your fully clothed massage therapist while you're virtually naked on the massage table is a bit awkward.

I was excited. For the first time since the breakup, I was excited about the prospect of going out on a date! It's been almost a year. I've gone on a couple quasi-dates in the past year, but they were all terrible and didn't amount to anything except losing incremental bits of faith in romance and love. I was actually looking forward to it.

We had a great time. Dinner, parking at the beach and talking. Making out. I thought it went well. And I thought he had a good time as well. At least, that's what he said in his texts and emails. Soooo... We decided to go out again. But now that a week has passed since our last date, I'm starting to get a different vibe from him. It's not anything he has said... It's just a vibe.

I know I'm being stupid. Maybe I'm looking for an excuse to stop this before it really starts. Maybe I'm not really ready.

I say to myself and others that I enter dates and other situations like this with no expectations. Which is partly true. X did a number on me. Even if I don't get angry when I think about him anymore, it's still going to take some time to get wade through all the emotional garbage. I want to be cautious. I know that I need to be cautious. But I guess I'm just a romantic at heart. I want my life to be like a movie. Or a musical. Or a moderately entertaining television show. I want flowers, candle-lit dinners, romantic notes... I also want passion, surprise, intensity... I think I watch too many TV shows and movies. And my expectations are way off base.

I'm not an insecure person. But dating makes me feel very insecure. It's an unknown. It's a risk. It's a gamble. I don't like unknowns, risks, or gambling. I like being in control of a situation and planning. It's ironic, because romantic love is supposed to be new and fresh every day, right? God - now I just sound like a stupid tween out of a Nicholas Sparks novel.

Maybe what I want is the contrived movie version of romance and love. Maybe I need to grow up and understand that it doesn't exist.

I know I felt like this when X and I started dating. But then I got over it. True - we broke up and it was very very bad... But for a while - a couple years - it was good. Is this what it's like every time? Am I so far removed from dating that I forgot what it's like to start a new relationship?

I like this new guy. But I don't like not knowing... Not knowing whether he's as into me as I'm into him... Not knowing if he thinks I'm as hot as he is... I don't like the insecurity.

I have a very reasonable understanding of my value. In many ways I'm a catch. But in other ways, not so much... I have a lot of baggage. Often times I think that I should get through all my baggage and issues before I even attempt to start dating and a new relationship. But when I think about how long it would take me to get through all the crud, I realize I probably wouldn't be dating until I'm about 47. And maybe that's okay, too.

How am I supposed to know when the time is right? Oh Blog. You tease me by not offering any sage advice. Do I listen to friends who tell me that I'll just know "when the time is right"? Or do I force myself out of my comfort zone and hopefully learn and grow?

I don't know. But I feel a little better for venting.

Fondly,

Dan