Pick Your Battles - Win the War

Dear Blog,

Last night my roommate had some friends over to watch the playoffs. Typical straight guys getting drunk, watching sports, listening to music, smoking weed, talking about gays... Yep - chatting about us homosexuals.

I was resigned to my room for the night - much like any other night - but I popped out to grab something to drink and I overheard them talking about getting hit on by gays, how they feel about them, etc. "I have no problem with them as long as they don't bother me." "I just don't get it - how can they not like boobs?" "I know a gay guy." I don't know. At first, it was amusing to listen to them stumble around the topic - trying in their own ignorant way to be politically correct and not sound like complete bigots. But it was clear that they all had homophobic issues and that they were trying to reassure themselves that they weren't as prejudiced as they truly are.

My roommate and I have an odd, awkward relationship. It's not good. He owns the condo and I rent from him. I'm living with my landlord. Because there isn't a dynamic of 2 people renting together, it makes for an uncomfortable living situation for me. I have never felt at home in the apartment. I always feel like I need to walk on eggshells because he owns the place. I spend most of my time in my room. Even though I pay rent, I rarely use the kitchen to cook...I haven't sat in the living room to watch TV in more than 6 months...

It doesn't help that my roommate seems to be inherently awkward. That's not to say I don't think he's a nice person. When I first interviewed for the apartment, I thought we were going to get along well. We have a lot of common interests: running, biking, music... But sadly it has never progressed beyond being friendly and polite in passing. I don't feel comfortable inviting friends over.

To make matters worse, my roommate has the tendency to use my stuff without asking or replacing it. Random things - milk, coffee, toothpaste, pasta, mayonnaise, coffee filters, whiskey, wine. He lets dishes pile up in the sink for days at a time knowing full well that they are almost always all his. He will go for months without buying things like toilet paper, paper towel, dish soap, and sponges. He regularly bums cigarettes from me. Here's the thing - I'm the furthest thing from a doormat. But because of the whole roommate/renter/landlord dynamic, I don't feel comfortable confronting him about any of these things. If we were both renting an apartment together, we would have had it out already. And I would have won.

I'm the sort of person who is comfortable in their own skin. It's completely alien to me to not feel at home at the place that's supposed to be my home. I'm not the type of person who holes up in their room or let's frustrations simmer to the point of exploding because I hold in my feelings and anger. I don't like being this person. Hell - there are hundreds of pictures of me on facebook drunk, wearing a bedazzled "enjoy Cock" t-shirt and tiny pink sequined cowboy hat at a drag cabaret for a bachelorette party. Subtlety and restraint are not my strong points.

Ironically, I wasn't quite sure whether my roommate was straight or gay when I first moved in. There were a lot of signs that pointed in either direction. Turns out - he's straight. He's had a lady friend stay over a couple nights this past week.

Anyways - I've set a deadline of August 1st to find and move into a new apartment.

I hate moving. It's a testament to how much I hate moving that I've stayed here for so long.

That's it for now dear Blog.

Fondly,

The Gaysian